Twenty Twelve..

I always thought 2005 was my hardest year. I became a young single parent of a new born and for the first time in 5 years relaunched my life.

Then along came 2010 .. By the end of 2010 i realized if i could survive that, then i could survive anything. We were blessed with a gorgeous big chubby bundle of blue love by the name of Phoenix who in a blink of an eye was hit with a bucket load of medical issues. A dodgey liver, talk of a transplant,  continuous bouts of bronchitis and pneumonia , a heart wrenching liver biopsy, countless hospital visits and continual sickness.. But, as a family we survived.

2011 was going to be our year.

We moved to the other side of the gold coast, set up our family in a gorgeous new home and started planning our wedding.

February i married the man who had stood by my side for the past 3 years helping to raise my son and blessing me with a daughter and a son of our own.
The day we became husband and wife was by far the most stressful event i have ever been a part of.

From designing and having my dress made, to decorating my entire reception with just my best friend / maid of honor (and a couple of friends who popped in) for over 100 people, i barely had time to breathe let alone enjoy the day ahead of me. To this day i wish i had only our family, a couple of close friends, a court house and a BBQ.

2011 I hit my first goal of being back under 80kg.. sitting nicely at 78!

I launched Birthography, which was huge step for me.

I had my first serious car accident that almost made me throw all my dream away.

I met new friends re-found friends and an amazing woman who made me a part of her established market and i took on new roles coordinating events.

My nan had her first ever santa photo taken. 4 generations together.

Phoenix's medical issues became more complicated and as he endured more and more invasive test, i started to become more and more doubtful of my faith in life.
I am a good person, I am good to others, i take care of my whole family and give more then i physically can, but i still do it.
Yet, i was given so many tests in such a short amount of time. More then my head could handle.

I started to withdraw from people, and bury myself in projects and work simply to take my mind of my crumbling life.
I neglected my husbands needs, my children's needs, focused on making phoenix better, and pretending my world was not falling to pieces.

And then that took its toll, My husband became depressed.
And because i became afraid of confrontation and truth, i wouldn't allow him in to my head full of hell. I
 was to proud to admit i was a total and utter mess.
And when times became un bearable, i silently self harmed.

He spent his nights on the Xbox, I spent mine on the lap top. Him in the lounge room, me in the bed room. Me hearing how his day at work was 2nd hand through conversations with online gamers. Writing my every thought in diaries and un published blogs. I was literally going crazy.

I craved happiness. I craved someone who understood what i was going through, or just someone to listen. And over the years of stress and arguing, i couldn't turn to him anymore.
I knew he was facing his own issues. And i had no where near enough strength to hold him up, as well as my children, and myself.
I just wanted someone in my life who could pick up the pieces and make me feel fresh again.

So i put an end to it all. And asked him to leave.

3-4 months ago this was the best decision. We were falling only more and more in to a state of depression and being around each other only brought yelling and fights. Not healthy for any family.

6 months ago, this was not all clear in my head. I was positive we just weren't soul mates, he wanted a life of rock and roll and i wanted the life of a happy family. We lost what each other wanted.
I wanted more then to feel like we were flat mates.
I craved being crazy in love again.

3 years ago, his life of rock and roll, and the excitement of joining him at shows and standing there the proudest person in the crowd, was perfectly balanced with waking up the next morning as doeting parents and a 9-5 job.
Some where along the line we lost that balance.

Its now 4 months post separation and time has helped us heal.
Weve spoken and cried more then we had in 4 years.

Weve screamed at each other (probably more at him, then him to me) begging to get our point across. And many avoided phone calls and hang ups.

I guess time is the only thing that makes life clearer.

I reached a point in my life where i have to live for me not what others expect or want for me. And i have learnt to live with my choices. Because when i wake up tomorrow, im the only one living this life.

We have decided counciling will work for us. A mediator to help us battle it out the right way and help us parent our children together.

How does one throw away so much, so fast without working hard to fix it first? You cant.
Were going to work hard, and were going to get help because at the end of the day, there are 3 kids that need 2 parents to be on the same page raising them with every single ounce of strength they have. And that has to be our promise to them.
And we need to know we've tried.

I spent last night, sitting with my husband.. making no resolutions, just sitting and appreciating. We didn't wait up for fire works, or to see the year in.
We just enjoyed.

So, i make no resolutions, or promises.
Just hope, That again i survive 2012 that we are happy, that my children laugh and learn and i continue to care for my friends and family.

Living day by day.. that's the only way life can go!
Im not going to plan weeks or months in advance, im just going to live and breathe.

I hope your year brings nothing but new happiness and strength. The power to over come anything thrown at you and the faith to know that even at its worst it can get better.

All i hope for is my faith back.

                                

                             

                                                                    ♥

Three years ago...

I believe a photo tells a thousand words. That is why i have so many memories caught on camera. Especially when it comes to my children.

In the very early morning of December 17th 2008, im talking 2 -3am i had woken with terrible stomach pains. The night before i has demolished 3/4 of an over flowing container of self serve Chinese and 6 - yes Six krispy kream donuts while watching a moving episode of Greys anatomy. All by my lonesome while my son was at his usual sleep over at his granny's.

Back to 2 am.. stomach knotting gut wrenching pains.
Food poisoning. Great!

I crawled to the kitchen and downed a couple of panadol. Panadene forte i was soon to realize and climbed back in to bed.
Out.Like.A.Light.

When i finally awoke it was a sunny morning and around 6am. My stomach was tender.. but i had been partially sleeping on the toilet for a couple of hours, and didnt expect much less.

So i nodded back off. At 6.30am the niggly pain started again and as i layed there wondering whether to race back to the loo or let it pass, i realized id not felt a movement from my little bun since about 2am.

I hopped out of bed with thoughts of food poisoning my baby! And phoned the mid wife. She suggested coming in to have a check.

I phoned hubby who had stayed the night at his friends and after a quick call to mum, we all headed in.

We arrived around 7.30am and i explained what i had chowed down on the night before. It had either kick started labour.. or what i thought.. Food poisoning.

We sat around a while, me feeling like i was going to be sick, but i had realized what i thought was 'gut wrenching pains' could have quiet possibly been contractions?

At 8am the mid wife came in to do an internal. I was awfully uncomfortable but no where near the pain i felt with my first son, which was well and truly labour pains.

She proceeded with her internal questioning what kind of pain i was feeling.

I told her that i had been 'on the loo' for a couple of hours last night after my feast and that i was a little tender, so be gentle.

The the flood gates opened. My waters broke.. It felt as though she had inserted her hand right up there *Sorry dad* and was pulling my baby straight out..

We were told at 12 weeks, 18 weeks (Paid gender scan) 23 weeks and 29 weeks that we were expecting a boy.

4 pushes and 8 minutes later we were greeted with our surprise baby girl.

Addison-Dior Ada Elizabeth Finney
17.12.2008
10lbz 1oz
8.11am

3 years on and your still as fast as you entered the world, your not as chubby, but your defiantly still as cute.

                   

Happy sweet 3rd birthday my dimpled angel ♥

Everyone has a first..

And today was my Nana first.

First time having her photo taken with Santa.

Nan said back in her day they never had people dress up as Santa and as the kids grew older most years they couldn't afford to pay a photographer, or person with a camera as she called them to take a Christmas themed photo.

Nan turned 77 this year and today, with the help of some friendly ladies had her first photo with Father Christmas.

Nan is disabled , her body isn't very well and we have almost lost her many times.

2am phone calls requesting us to come and say our goodbyes, bed side tears before major surgeries, but shes still here clinging on bossing us around each and every day.

After 2 major strokes Nan has only the use of her left arm and leg (and her voice!) so we couldn't make it up to the platform Santa had been placed on, so they moved it all to the side, squished us in and captured 4 generations.

A photo that we will hold close to us for a very long time.

*Excuse the dodgy scanned copy*

Step Two.

Well i feel as thought step one of over coming my social fear has been a success! Ive been spending much more time with real life friends, inviting them over for late night chats, doing dinners, spending days rummaging through thrifties. Now im on to step 2 of finding a happy medium with keeping in touch with my distant friends and facebookers.

Birthography is going extreamly well and i am in such a good place with it all right now. Unlike when i was sewing and creating i rarely had contact with anyone. I would make the effort to attend markets and functions but timing was hard.

Now i have days full of clients in my home (bringing scrumpious Krispy kreams!) And lazy afternoons in the middle of no where capturing families in total love. I couldnt imagine living it any differently.

But when the day is done, and im sitting on the couch reliving the moment, 99% of the time.. like now.. im shoveling chocolate down my gob chasing it with a bottle of coke.. or 2.

Back in the day, when i first got the internet and was researching gastric banding, an out let for me and something i am SO glad i did, was note my journey. Not only in words but photos. I began in November '06 until i lost internet access a couple of years later. I had over 30,000 followers from all over the world. It was amazing. I would chat until all hours about recipes, hints and tips on how to get over that weight plateau, and clothes swapping. I miss that connection with others. Not just on weight loss, but all aspects of life.

So today i begin again, Self motivation ill call it! Blogging my new life.

I would love for those who have had some life changes, over come hurdles, struggling with weight, who have had the band or looking at the procedure to join me as step 2 begins.

http://itscalledorganisedchaos.blogspot.com/p/gastric-banding-135kg-67kg.html

x N

Has facebook ruined my social skills..

I often wonder this.

Before facestalk ever came along i was the most out going , full of fun girl you could come across.

My idea night would be filling my car with a full tank of fuel.. Picking up some special friends.. packing a few burnt disc's of our fave tunes and driving around laughing. Stopping for a bite to eat then pulling over somewhere quietly chatting for hours and hours.

When i was blessed with Master 6 i had no internet access, no email address for that matter.

No online forums or social networking sites.

So i went to this little old thing called 'Play group' some of you may have heard of this before. Its what people do when they arent consumed by the online world.

We tried a few different groups around the Gold Coast, but as i was 'then' a young mum, i found it hard to hold a conversation with a married mothers of 3 about buying homes and new cars. When i was a single mum of 1 scraping by in a tiny unit. I needed somewhere i felt like i 'fit' in. So i phoned playgroups Australia and asked when i needed to do to be a group leader. After scouting some locations i finally set my own little group up at the Southport library. It was such a great turn out! I arranged games and singers and story tellers and brought along in expensive crafts and met some wonderful ladies. We made snakes out of stockings and plastic bags.. Ah, the simple things.

As the kids grew older and the internet and forums became more available our group dwindled away. People exchanging email addresses rather then phone numbers. Talking (bitching) about Bub Hub instead of gloating about babies.

And then there were 5. So we packed up our crafts, took the babies to the park and before we knew it we had lost touch.

I enquired about connecting the internet for my home. And 3 days later the realness of life ended. I began searching for fourum to join, registed with some dating sites, some gastric banding blogs and chat sites, parenting groups and before i knew it my desk top was full of icons that i would check in on 3 or 4 times a day.

I gained over 35kg in a matter of months but had not a care in the world, I was on one side of the computer.. They were on the other.

I set up a play corner in my teeny tiny lounge room and wasted my days away on the internet. Searching, googling, chatting..

And i guess ive never stopped.

Through those parenting groups i have met great friends, near and far. The far i talk to more then the near.

And i am 150% certain if we had no other contact then the initial meet on line then kept our friendships real, I would still have a extra hand full of good friends.

Eating out together, Playing in the park together, baking cakes together.

Not checking in at the park, status updating where your at for lunch and uploading photos of cakes you baked.. Doing things for real.

Now this leaves me and a really bad place. I am scared shitless to socialise!

Absolutely scared out of my whits.

I am scared my kids will turn feral on me forcing us to leave the park red faced and full of tears.

I wont have that split second like i do on chat or private message to think of my reply to questions and i have totally lost my ability to talk shit.

To ramble about anything and everything.. To 'blog' in real time pretty much.

I become a nervous wreck thinking about group gatherings and only just seem to pull it together for the sake of my job when we hold Pre Market meetings at our local shopping center.

I have a couple of close friends i like to get together with, but we do the usually play with the kids or hour catch up.

But long gone are the days you could ring a bundle of friends and say 'Be here at 11am'

And that sucks!

I envy those who dont use face book (and have an immaculate home) That dont feel social networking sites help their business succeed. That dont actually need a small at home business to help support their growing family. And are happy to potter around the home spending time with family and friends. I have Buttons Dior, My blog, Birthography, Spreading random acts of kindness, Cuddly butts and i am admin on god knows how many friends pages. I am finding it awfully hard to find a happy medium!

I envy parents who have a weekly or fortnightly catch up with friends at an actual cafe - not cafe world. (BTW- I hate cafe world)

I would make the time. I would give it all up. The business, the facebook, the parenting forums.. If i had the courage and faith in myself that i would be able to keep friends in real life. Keep them interested in me. Not my exciting facebook life.

So my ramblings bring me to my question.. Do you feel online socialising has taken you far far away from the real world?

x N

10 things you didnt know about me..

Well, Thats a lie. You will probably at some point have seen at least one of these 10 things.

But thanks to Ilja from em&femee designs im going to ramble the first 10 things that pop in to my head..

1- I can not stand the ocean! And anything to do with the ocean. I hate not knowing what is under the murky water. I go in to full blown panic mode when wearing goggles at the beach, refuse to touch the sand below me And have a rediculous fear of boats.

2- I can easily eat a block of chocolate, to myself, in one sitting. More then once a week.

3- I collect books, yet i am dyslexic and can not for the life of me read them. I read angel and orical cards extremely well, but struggle to read a whole book on them.

4- I left school at the end of grade 10.

Only because my full time job didn't start until a week after school ended. My heart left school about a year before then and therefore i cant spell or count properly. If i didn't have google chrome fixing my spelling errors i doubt you would know what i was saying. And when put on the spot i don't know what $11.50 - $3.40 is.

5- My mum and i have Gastric banding and since then 11 of my friends have had the procedure done through my surgeon with 2 friends lined up in the next few weeks. I lost 70kg in just over a year.

6- I am currently in a rutt. I dont know where i want to take life. I wish there were a simple answer on how i could easily combine all my loves and passions with raising a family and earning a living. But right now i think there is only one answer. And i dont think im strong enough to voice what it is.

7- I miss blogging. I miss being raw and open. Telling it how it is and caring, but not caring. I miss the connection it gave me to the out side world.

8- I am terrible with following through with medication. I never finish a script, never take my tablets at the right time, and can sit there and stare at them knowing i HAVE to take them. Yet turn my back and walk away.

9- I cant say no. Its just not something i am good at. Need baby sitting, Ill say yes. Money, yes. Food, yep no worries. Someone to chat to, a coffee buddy, a human punching bag.. Sure, im here. I run myself to the ground.. But still if i see someone doing it tough, Im the first to do something.. anything, to change that.

10- About 8 weeks ago my husband and i separated. Im not one to air my dirty laundry over facestalk, so i kept to myself. I even closed down my private facebook profile and started again with only family and some close friends.

Probably one of the few times i should have called on others for advice, help and a shoulder. But with the recent launch of Birthography i felt it needed to be kept low key. We are on good terms, The kids are doing well. Mentally im a mess.. as is he. (Hi, i know your reading.. *smiles* ) But for now, it has to be this way. Neither of us know what the future holds, but i would love to chat (Privately) to others who are going though, or have been through a separation. Just to get an idea on your routine, budget..ect

So, 9 things you probably knew about me and one whopper that blew you right out of the ball park!

Five Little Reasons - Cou Cou - Soapy Kids - Tea&sugar collections I know alot about you.. but tell me 10 things i dont know.

x N

I miss..

My blog.

x

Big changes are a comin'!

So.. save me replying to each email and message, i thought i would give you a run down here.

Yes, ive been missing in action lately. Id like to say 'Oh ive just been so flat chat with custom orders and sewing, ive just not.....' .. but its nothing like that.

About 6 months ago, I lost my passion. I lost inspiration from fabric and spent more time scouring facebook pages for that light that would get me going again, then sitting down spending hours sketching my own designs like i always had done.

I thought about 2-3 months ago, i had found my sew-jo again. After a strong Easter pumping out these gorgeous little hoppers, i thought id found that spark.

But it soon faded.

I pushed it and pushed it, spending hours in spotlight rubbing up against fabrics and sipping coffee while flicking through pattern books.

Leaving with a bundle of material, only to return home and have it still sitting in a bag a week later.

I enjoyed blogging about life, and love and people. More then sewing.

I loved photographing my stock.. More then sewing it.

About a year ago i considered a change. But timing was far from right. I had just been blessed with a gorgeous little boy, a sibling for my 2 children. So, i knew then and there. It had to go on hold.

And i was fine with that. Surprisingly, as i am far from a patient person..

October last year i had the first official taste of what i had been wanting to do.

And i was in my element.

Beaming for days. And then i knew that was it.

The love for sewing would soon wear thin.

But it was an income, So as i worked on my passion behind the scenes, i kept at sewing, to pay the bills.

I worked had at learning and taking advice off people i looked up to.

How to make my new business work around such a young and mother-needing family. How to make sure i was doing it for all the right reasons.

I knew exactly why i was doing it.. I just didnt know how i was going to make it work.

So i eased my way in to it.

Slowly, in my own time and with so much excitement it was like it was my first ever job.

I reached a point about 2 weeks ago when i knew, now was my time. I had my game plan, i had structure, i had my support network and so i did it.

I realised around that time there were quiet a few other friends and business' also giving a sea change a try as well.

The nerves set in.

I questioned my self.. but unlike every other time, i stood proud.

And knew i my new path, was although alike others, yet different in so many ways.

And the smile came back.

I think when you run your own hobby/business/market/life you always have doubts, worries, nerves.. and i am ok with that now.

I have set myself goals, rules and bars.

I am ok with where i am right now, I am thankful for amazing advice and words from friends and family.

The balent honesty that has given me a huge lift, and has made me so much of a better person. And i can only hope i can give as much back as they have to me.

Now, i know your either wracking your brain as to what i will pick up, now that the sewing machine has been put down.

I am literally 1 week off being able to share. But i could not bear to let the emails, comments and messages just sit there waiting. Im not rude.. xx

I appreciate every single soul who have followed my journey from Punk Princess to Buttons Dior and Organised chaos.. Even though BD will be on hold, I could never give up this blog. (That answers about 15 of the emails..lol)

This is where i yell, scream, vent, cry, abuse, share and laugh. And i am overwhelmed at the amazing support you guys give.

And, that's about all i have for you right now!

Ill pop my head in now and again, but full focus is the new business.. And if you know what it is.. Shhhhhhhh.. xx

x N

A Buck..

One single dollar of thrifty goodness..

x N

High pants- $1.00 Local thrift

Shirt - Aunty L , Target

Wooden cane - Great grand pop

Cuteness- Mum *wink*

Brothers by fate...

Meet Austin -'Oz Man' and Phoenix - 'Buddha'

These kids have had their fair bloody share of hick ups.

Hurdles and speed bumps.

But heres to a healthy, fun and gorgeous friendship of 2 boys who have there whole life to get to know each other.

Sammy, I am blessed to have had you share those daunting and over whelming nights stuck in a ward with nothing buy UV lights and nasal tubes.

Someone who knows my fear and anxiety.

We are each other tower of strength and our boys will one day sit down to hear how we survived their rocky starts.

You are an amazing mother, and it is scary how much we have in common.

I adore you and your family.

x